How to Create a Beautiful New Normal
I don’t want to plan this fall!
Usually I look forward to fall! It’s a time of re-grounding, re-prioritizing, choosing new commitments and saying no to old commitments. All things baked, pumpkin spice or caramel with everything, re-gathering with friends who we haven’t seen as often as usual because of differently full summer schedules, field trips being planned, Mom’s Night Out back on the calendar… I LOVE THIS TIME! But this year it’s different.
I don’t want to plan this next season because it is full of unknowns and disappointments. I’ve been let down by unmet expectations over and over the past few months! And worse yet, I have watched my children and husband be let down repeatedly. It is exhausting and draining to pick up the emotional pieces of their disappointments over and over, and I don’t really want to do it anymore. Part of me is scared to plan or set expectations for ANYTHING since it seems like EVERYTHING has led to sadness and hurt. If I plan nothing, then at least I have nothing to lose, right?
And while I am tempted to settle into this place of complacency, I know that I won’t be pleased with that choice a few months down the road. My heart longs for more for my family. I want a place of beauty for them, and for all of us! I want a season of joy and hope and memories that will last a lifetime. I know that when I chose to pause— breath— and sit with the stillness of my heart in silence for even a few brief moments, that God has placed these desires on my heart and that as I ask Him to lead us into this new season, that He will make me capable to do this! (This must be a late night or early morning moment, because otherwise it would never be still long enough for a complete thought!)
I’ve never been a quitter in anything that matters, and these people in this home matter to me more than anything else in all of the world. So I won’t quit here and neither will you sweet mama! You have the capacity to rise above this difficult season. You can make this something beautiful. The “new normal” that society has painted a picture of for this next season does not have to be the place where you land. You are capable of creating a beautiful new normal for your family by intentionally re-evaluating and shaping this next season in your home.
But that’s all easier said than done right? I know I’m not alone in this. Just yesterday in the line at Target, the look on the mom’s face behind spoke a million words as she sighed at the sight of the fall decorations already on display. (It also led to a conversation which confirmed everything her sigh spoke.) I think most of us need a a boost of encouragement right now, because it feels hard!
I don’t want to let them down AGAIN.
One disappointment piled on top of another as we moved from spring to summer and the prospect of that happening again is real. I want to give my children a realistic hope of the season that is to come, but how can I do that when the truth is that “I DON’T KNOW’ exactly what the next season is going to hold! It’s a little funny to think about the false sense of control that I’ve thought that I held over every other fall season. In reality my control was relatively limited then too. Even though I was still choosing what activities they would be involved in, I didn’t get to choose what kids would be on their team or who their coach would be or if they would have a physical or emotional hurdle to have to get over in the process. I didn’t truly have control then either. There has always been an element of surrender and trust in all the plans I made. After all, I don’t really hold the key to their future at all! I’m just seeing the potential for disappointments so much stronger than I ever have before.
When making our “plans”, I’m still going to make them, but I’m going to go down one of two roads, depending on who the plans are for.
1- I’m going to involve my older children in the process. Explain to them what the plan is and evaluate with them what the potential disappointments could be since nothing is really fully in my control anyway! (What a beautiful and important conversation that could be! That as parents we do our best to plan for our family, but how as much as I would like to control it, I can’t! And the growth that can happen for all of us through the disappointments.)
2- I’m not going to involve my little ones in ANY of the unknowns! Kind of funny that Frozen 2 came out when it did. “Into the Unknoooooown” has been belted in our home all summer long and I think it’s rather appropriate! Their little hearts can know all of the “certain” plans, and I can make anything sound exciting, but I can spare their tender hearts from the disappointment that are probably inevitable. For example, I’ll tell them about one nature outing plan that we’re doing THAT DAY, rather than the truth that I have nature adventures planned weekly, so if the plans have to change they won’t even know!
I also realize that I don’t want to re-create a beautiful “new normal” from ground zero! It’s a lot of work!
Since all of our usual commitments look different it has caused me to re-evaluate EVERY commitment that I’m saying yes to. It took us a decade to get to the place of “normal” for our family and now I’m starting back and ground zero to build something beautiful and different for everyone. But maybe that’s just what I needed! What if some of the “normal” parts of our lives weren’t really best? Maybe they were good, but was I giving up great for good? No one can do it all, and this season has given me permission to step back and scale back on all of the things. All of the expectations have been dropped and I can choose the new yes’ with no judgement! There is a lot that is in my control! I can fully choose the rhythms that work for us in our days, weeks, and months. I can look at the hearts of each of my children and what serves them best, I can consider the culture of our home and family and make decisions that serve all of us best.
I’m making a list of what commitments or activities we’ve been saying “yes” to.
(Evaluating the list will help me do what is in my control right now and release the worry of the future unknowns.)
STEP 1: Make a list of the “yes” commitments or activities that serve the hearts of each of my children and myself and my husband? (I’m listing these separately because our hearts are not always served the same ways, but the yes’ that overlap get an extra star when deciding what we’ll do! This step may not be quite as necessary with only one child, but with 4 and a 5th on the way it is a MUST in our home.)
STEP 2: I’m evaluating my list to decide, what of these things are “good” and what are “great”. This one will take some conversations with my hubby (Again, a late night because when else, or maybe a date is called for?!?) And I will pray about this. I believe that God will lead me to what His best is for our family.
STEP 3: I’m going to literally CROSS OUT the things I’m saying no to with authority! Do not buy into the lie for ONE MORE SEASON that you can do it all! Recognizing what I’m putting aside, be it temporarily or permanently, allows me to fully commit to the things we are saying yes to.
STEP 4: I’m making one more list of the unknown future plans and how our plans for now are preparing us for those well. That may mean doing nothing, but it also may mean intentionally seeking certain relationships or skills that my children will need again in months to come.
I am giving myself grace in all of our plans, because I’m tired of being “everything to everyone”, and the prospect of planning ANOTHER season of it is exhausting!
When re-building from ground zero, we considered the hearts of all of our children, and to make all of this happen and keep me sane I have to take a final step that I’m not very good at. I need to stop and look at myself. (Are you up for one more late night or early morning moment?)
“If mama aint happy, aint nobody happy!”
Isn’t it the truth though? Everyone in our home knows it, yet I often try to just plow through this step as if it’s selfish or unimportant. But we set the tone for our home and being everything to everyone all the time is exhausting and not sustainable. No one was meant to go down the road of mothering alone and this season of life has made that so evident.
When planning this next season, and looking at your list, get a highlighter and prepare to do some soul searching!
Highlight the commitments that serve ALL of your hearts.
Use the resources (people, places, activities, programs) that you do have available to serve your family and give you a bit of a respite mama!
Highlight the activities or commitments that breathe life into our hearts as well as our children/husband and make those a priority over some of the “good” things we may have been saying yes to in the past.
So… plan this season as a beautiful “new normal” and not just days to get through.
You can do this! You can take control of the areas you actually have control over and trust that it can be more than good, it can be great. You can be intentional to choose what serves the hearts of everyone in our home and so no, with confidence, to commitments that don’t serve everyone well. You can cultivate a life that fills your heart well so that you can enjoy serving the hearts of your family.
How are you going to plan differently this fall as you create a beautiful “new normal”?
If you enjoyed this post, be sure to listen to this week’s podcast “How to Create a Beautiful New Normal for your Family”.